(Elephant and Dog, Illustrated by Ellsworth Young)
An elephant was being transported to a king in the jungle. The men had been traveling with the elephant for many days and started to get tired. It was time to stop and eat, but they all heard a sound. It was tree branches breaking on the ground and all fell silent for fear that it might be a jaguar. The sound kept getting closer and closer while everyone fell deathly still. The elephant keeps walk though.
A dog all of a sudden, runs out of the woods and starts playing with the elephant. Everyone breathed regularly and acted normal again. The dog joined them for the rest of the journey.
It was time to sleep so the dog and elephant rested with one another while the men kept look out for anything dangerous. The sun came up the next morning and they started the journey again.
As they kept walking the dog started sniffing in the air and then barked. The men were looking around to see what was going on. A man looking around said, "Its too quiet." The jungle was silent. Everyone looking around had their heads on a swivel. The elephant and dog stuck together side by side. Boom! a Jaguar jumped out of a tree trying to attack the men, but when it saw the elephant, it started heading towards it. The dog got between the jaguar and the elephant. Both growling, they leaped at each other. They fought and fought until both were in such bad shape they stopped. The dog couldn't walk. The elephant saw this and picked the dog up with his trunk and sprinted him the rest of the way through the jungle to the king so that he might be healed.
When the elephant was doing so well, all of a sudden their was a drop off in front of him. It was wide and the elephant didn't know what to do. The elephant decided in his mind that he is going to save the dog or die trying. The elephant takes many paces back from the drop off and stares down his running path. With a serious face the elephant sprinted down the path and jumped over the drop off. Th elephant could see the king's palace in sight.
Th elephant made it and the king has the doctor come look at the dog. Time passes and the doctor shows the elephant the dog will be ok now that he has medicine. The dog just needs to rest.
Finally, the dog healed. He and the elephant were reunited enjoying one another's company.
Author's note: Elephant and Dog , I chose to tell this story in third person because its easier to give good descriptive detail in this way rather than first person. My main goal for the story I wrote above was to make it difficult for the dog and elephant to reach their destination and to make them build a relationship. Instead of the dog and elephant being friends for a long time and staying in one place, I changed the story to the two main characters taking a journey developing a deep relationship with each other in one moment.
Bibliography: The Elephant and the Dog, Ellen C. Babbitt (1922)
I like the main idea of your story. I just didn't feel any type of connection to it. When I read I like to be able to connect to a character or the story as a whole. The story flowed well and it was an easy read. There were a couple typos but those are easily corrected. I think if you would add some adverbs in some spots that would give your story some depth. Nice job this week though!
ReplyDeleteI didn't read the myth that you based it off of, but based on your author's note, I think it's really cool how you added in conflict! The original myth doesn't sound very interesting (that the elephant and the dog were already friends.)
ReplyDeleteAlthough you added more conflict, I think maybe adding more relationtional conflict would have added a nice touch. Like maybe the dog doesn't like the elephant or vice versa.
Also, even though it was third person, you can stil add thoughts, feeling, and dialogue. I think making the elephant and the dog more human (capable to speak and such) would solve the problem that Michelle mentioned.
But, you did a good job and you made some thoughtful decisions!
Hey Ben, I really liked that you added in an element of conflict to the original story! I love retelling stories to add in a new element and the way you did that worked perfectly in my opinion! My favorite part of your story was the beginning, which was very suspenseful and made me want to keep reading to find out what was going to happen!
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